Dear Xia, Qiu and Jean,Yesterday is another very very special day to me and Eugene. In the early morning, we had a section ( Last day of the course called Dreams Possible) in Happy Valley Cemetery. There many died young and as heroes for HK. Some died 100 years ago but still we saw fresh flowers in front of the tombs.There we all wrote a letter to family member with the Title - If today were my last day in my life.The first thought in my head when I wrote the letter was IF WE HAVE NO PLAN, WE ARE PLAN TO DEATH. ( Steve Jobs). If we consider each day as the last day, our life will be more fulfilled with energy and meaning, I am sure.I asked myself 4 questions:If it were the last day, what is the most important thing left to you and Eugene?If it is really the last day, what I need to do so as to let my families get through the hard period asap and live a normal life?What is my ideal service ceremony?Most importantly, how could I break "the last-day-curse" and extend it to last 10 to 20 and more years with meaning life?I found I was not fearful of this topic, but love it. 死,并不可怕, 真正可怕的﹐不是生命終結﹐而是虛度光陰﹑遺憾終老。 I finally concluded that the greatest love is to learn how to love ourselves. If I desire to give love and to be loved, love myself first.What does it means to me is to Take 100% responsibility to my life ( health, thoughts, words and behaviors and the whatever consequence /impact to others). If everyone takes 100% responsibly to themselves, the world will be much different, yes, Eugene said much better.Interestingly, after the visit, most people feel they are not as scared of DEATH as before and become much much more grateful. Me too, so is Eugene. That was amazing day to him. I have been wanting to discuss with him this topic for a long time, very hard to mention this, but at that moment, he said he is not scared of death. Incredible!More incredible thing happened: he said in front of the whole class and coaches: "Mommy treats me too nice to take care well of herself. " He asked me to take care of myself more rather than him in the future.And he said he was so happy to read "I love you" by words. Finally he said: "I love you" to me in front of all people when the coach asked him to imagine if that moment, his mom was dying. I was so gratified and grateful for his understanding and love. Whenever I think this moment today, I am tearful still.He said he was surprised we in the family could not feel his love fully all because he didn't say it out by words. Now he said he would say I Love You more to us.Actually it is our parents fault. Our Chinese has no such culture to say I love you. So Sad. You never know how powerful if we can speak out instead of burying this in our mind not until our loved one die.Xia,Although Andrew is still a Baby, you can speak to him as more as you can " I love you" . When he is growing up, he will become much more confident, kindhearted person who know how to express his emotion PROPERLY without hesitation and fear. ( MOST Asia people cannot) And he can influence others with a special charisma for sure.Eugene and I are learning how to express our emotion ( a good way to reduce pressure) now with unconscious mind - our true selves. But never too late.I think Qiu and Jean do quite well to express your love directly to the kids.我很同意导师周华山所说:死亡﹐是生命最偉大的發明﹐促使我們認真面對生命的價值﹐不至虛度一生。
可是﹐傳統中國社會對死亡充滿忌諱﹐不提﹑不講﹑不聽﹑不問﹐譬如把絲瓜說作勝瓜﹑空屋說作吉屋﹐連「死」這個字也不能說﹐ 彷彿死亡等於悲痛和絕望。我們歌頌生命﹐卻排斥死亡﹐ 視死亡為生命的敵人﹐以至大家很少積極探討和準備。所以﹐ 當死亡突然來臨﹐大家就束手無策﹐只能無奈地說「節哀順變」﹐ 壓抑了喪親者的感受和需要﹐取而代之的﹐往往是無止境的哀傷﹑ 內疚和遺憾。
人生是個大舞台﹐此幕終結﹐彼幕展開。生死就如角色﹑身份和戲服的轉換。生有時而愛無盡﹐ 唯獨我們活現生命的每個角色﹐到「人生大戲」謝幕時﹐ 看似曲終人散﹑分道揚鑣﹐其實是在下一個劇目裡喜悅重逢﹑ 重新上路。 生得有意義﹐死得有价值。死亡既如花開花落般必然和自然. 死,并不可怕, 真正可怕的﹐不是生命終結﹐而是虛度光陰﹑遺憾終老。
了悟生死﹐讓我們在溫馨而積極地體驗生死的價值﹐學習用感恩和愛的力量. I Love you all.D
Jan 15 (4 days ago)
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I find that all my problems have stemmed from the feeling of loneliness. I never had many true friends I could share my thoughts, creativity, humor and feelings with. These people I never understood or talked to became my shadow.
It seems to be my character to project shadows into everything I didn't know or feel or trust.
Lack of sleep has a huge impact on my character. When I don't sleep enough, shadows appear everywhere. It seems like I'm missing out on something.
Jan 15 (4 days ago)
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Donna,
A real good lesson. Your writing is really impressed me. I have always been guity to your grandmother since she died. I had not taken good care of her. I had not helped her to do her business. If someone has a strong desire or need, you help he/she to realize or meet it. That is love.
- Mom
Dear Jean,
Great sharing. I don't worry if he love us but if he can express his deep emotion (positive or negative) properly and openly. In HK, people tend to hide their real emotion with masks and are highly protective, leading to be very vulnerable to adversity, esp. when they face conflicts and relationship challenge... Children growing up in this environment are not very confident and not happy.
Our family has this issue sometimes. Children even he becomes adult now is highly influenced by our adults emotion. That is why I hope we can learn together and grow up together...
Your profession need you to face death issue from time to time. I am wondering how you can disassociated with your patients' problems and focus on new days' loading all the time. Incredible thing to me.
I checked the book in Amazon and will find one to read. Must be very interesting and inspiring...
Written in Irv Yalom's inimitable story-telling style, Staring at the Sun is a profoundly encouraging approach to the universal issue of mortality. In this magisterial opus, capping a lifetime of work and personal experience, Dr. Yalom helps us recognize that the fear of death is at the heart of much of our anxiety. Such recognition is often catalyzed by an "awakening experience"—a dream, or loss (the death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job or home), illness, trauma, or aging.Once we confront our own mortality, Dr. Yalom writes, we are inspired to rearrange our priorities, communicate more deeply with those we love, appreciate more keenly the beauty of life, and increase our willingness to take the risks necessary for personal fulfillment.
D
On Tue, Jan 15, 2013 at 11:38 AM, Jean Wong <jeanzwong@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
Dong, Eugene loves and cares about you. It was very obvious during your last visit. I would not worry too much how it is expressed. Our kids know we are the only ones loving them without condition even though we are usually the ones tell them in their face about what we do not like. On the death topical, I happen to think a lot last year. It is my line of business. I often puzzled how I can relieve my patients' death anxiety. I highly recommend ' staring into the sun' by Yalom.
Best,JeanSent from my iPhoneDear Xia, Qiu and Jean,Yesterday is another very very special day to me and Eugene. In the early morning, we had a section ( Last day of the course called Dreams Possible) in Happy Valley Cemetery. There many died young and as heroes for HK. Some died 100 years ago but still we saw fresh flowers in front of the tombs.There we all wrote a letter to family member with the Title - If today were my last day in my life.The first thought in my head when I wrote the letter was IF WE HAVE NO PLAN, WE ARE PLAN TO DEATH. ( Steve Jobs). If we consider each day as the last day, our life will be more fulfilled with energy and meaning, I am sure.I asked myself 4 questions:If it were the last day, what is the most important thing left to you and Eugene?If it is really the last day, what I need to do so as to let my families get through the hard period asap and live a normal life?What is my ideal service ceremony?Most importantly, how could I break "the last-day-curse" and extend it to last 10 to 20 and more years with meaning life?I found I was not fearful of this topic, but love it. 死,并不可怕, 真正可怕的﹐不是生命終結﹐而是虛度光陰﹑遺憾終老。 I finally concluded that the greatest love is to learn how to love ourselves. If I desire to give love and to be loved, love myself first.What does it means to me is to Take 100% responsibility to my life ( health, thoughts, words and behaviors and the whatever consequence /impact to others). If everyone takes 100% responsibly to themselves, the world will be no much different.Interestingly, after the visit, most people feel they are not as scared of DEATH as before and become much much more grateful. Me too, so is Eugene. That was amazing day to him. I have been wanting to discuss with him this topic for a long time, very hard to mention this, but at that moment, he said he is not scared of death. Incredible!More incredible thing happened: he said in front of the whole class and coaches: "Mommy treats me too nice to take care well of herself. " He asked me to take care of myself more rather than him in the future.And he said he was so happy to read "I love you" by words. Finally he said: "I love you" to me in front of all people when the coach asked him to imagine if that moment, his mom was dying. I was so gratified and grateful for his understanding and love. Whenever I think this moment today, I am tearful still.He said he was surprised we in the family could not feel his love fully all because he didn't say it out by words. Now he said he would say I Love You more to us.Actually it is our parents fault. Our Chinese has no such culture to say I love you. So Sad. You never know how powerful if we can speak out instead of burying this in our mind not until our loved one die.Xia,Although Andrew is still a Baby, you can speak to him as more as you can " I love you" . When he is growing up, he will become much more confident, kindhearted person who know how to express his emotion PROPERLY without hesitation and fear. ( MOST Asia people cannot) And he can influence others with a special charisma for sure.Eugene and I are learning how to express our emotion ( a good way to reduce pressure) now with unconscious mind - our true selves. But never too late.I think Qiu and Jean do quite well to express your love directly to the kids.我很同意导师周华山所说:死亡﹐是生命最偉大的發明﹐促使我們認真面對生命的價值﹐不至虛度一生。
可是﹐傳統中國社會對死亡充滿忌諱﹐不提﹑不講﹑不聽﹑不問﹐譬如把絲瓜說作勝瓜﹑空屋說作吉屋﹐連「死」這個字也不能說﹐ 彷彿死亡等於悲痛和絕望。我們歌頌生命﹐卻排斥死亡﹐ 視死亡為生命的敵人﹐以至大家很少積極探討和準備。所以﹐ 當死亡突然來臨﹐大家就束手無策﹐只能無奈地說「節哀順變」﹐ 壓抑了喪親者的感受和需要﹐取而代之的﹐往往是無止境的哀傷﹑ 內疚和遺憾。
人生是個大舞台﹐此幕終結﹐彼幕展開。生死就如角色﹑身份和戲服的轉換。生有時而愛無盡﹐ 唯獨我們活現生命的每個角色﹐到「人生大戲」謝幕時﹐ 看似曲終人散﹑分道揚鑣﹐其實是在下一個劇目裡喜悅重逢﹑ 重新上路。 生得有意義﹐死得有价值。死亡既如花開花落般必然和自然. 死,并不可怕, 真正可怕的﹐不是生命終結﹐而是虛度光陰﹑遺憾終老。
了悟生死﹐讓我們在溫馨而積極地體驗生死的價值﹐學習用感恩和愛的力量.
I Love you all.D
Donna,i have been deeply inspired by Yalom books and learn so much from his authentic sharing and insights.See u tomorrow night.
Oh, I can see the influence of the author to u.
My sister recommended me to furthet study this topic by reading this book. I will take her suggestion.
Will learn more from u tmw for sure.
Dear Donna,
Many, many thanks for sharing your private thoughts and letters below. I appreciate your trust, and your love to all of us goes beyond words.
It's great blessing to us all that we journeyed through DP25 together. The path of growth is filled with bliss, courage, trust, and hope, apart from all else. Although we have our own set of shadows to face, we're not alone in hoping to overcome. May we continue to support each other!
I cherish our friendship. Let's learn to contribute our life to ourselves as well as others :-)
Love from your fellow walker,
Red
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