The Journey of Marriage

You married your boyfriend because you fell for him on the very first date; or because he gave you fulfillment, love, a sense of security and confidence; or simply because you admired his intelligence, gorgeous looks and his sense of humour. Whatever brought you together, after some time of married life, you may come to realize that marriage, in fact, is not as ideal and sweet as you had made it out to be.

Disagreements gradually surface and develop into more serious arguments. This could be anything from choosing a piece of furniture to more important financial issue.

You might feel the relationship in your marriage is getting wobbly since you have sensed that he/she is no longer the person you once fell in love with - he has become too emotional, inconsiderate or uncommunicative. Is a break up inevitable? What would be the consequence of divorce? What would be its impact on the children? Would it be better to persevere in the hope of a new start? You’re in a real dilemma.

All this is not imaginary but happens frequently especially to a young couple once a new life comes to the family.

Having been married for a good number of years, I genuinely feel that marriage is a journey of continuously adapting to ever-changing conditions – for a marriage to succeed, both spouses need to comprise and grow up all the time. People change especially when experiencing ups and downs. Even our personalities and mentalities change with age and environment. Working pressures, differences in parenting, moving house, the loss of jobs, illness and the loss of family members occur. Many uncertainties and events may increase the strain and stress on the relationship.

Conflicts are unavoidable. Try to talk potential problems over heart-to-heart and always develop and maintain regular communication. Ignoring issues will make situations worse and the relationship may eventually become irretrievable/unsalvageable.

Here are some suggestions on what to do when things start going wrong:
1. Listen to your partner and try to understand his/her point of view;
2. Discuss the problems thoroughly, calmly and objectively.
3. Avoid raking up old grievances.
4. Consider different options until you can reach a satisfactory agreement.

I believe the more a couple communicates, the happier they will be. By way of communication, they learn to express intimate feelings like content and discontent, loves and hates in comfortable ways that facilitate respect and mutual understanding, rather than just to grumble or complain.

I’ve come to understand that marriage is sharing, forgiving, compromising and growing with someone in the long run. When the dizzy passion and excitement start to fade, continue to treat your partner like your boyfriend or girlfriend instead of taking each other for granted. Valuing each other with respect and appreciation rather than just picking his/her up on daily mistakes/picking on their flaws. Seek comfort, reassurance. Be able to laugh about something that didn’t go too well. All of these enable us to overcome adversity and make it possible for the relationship to grow organically.

As life is short and things change perpetually, we should treasure every single day no matter whether it is memorable or ordinary, joyful or dire.